アメリカンループから、抜け出してみる。

ねがてぃぶ えなじー

気付いてしまったこと。
この先の未来に、楽しいことは期待していない。

気付いた瞬間、悲しかったよね。

after a while.

"Keep in Touch."

Those words don't mean that much to me any more. When ever I finish a coffee with my friend and leave for meeting another friend or depart to a new city for an opportunity, I say the usual, "keep in touch," or "see you again."
Many times though, they never happen.

After graduating RISD, we all started doing different things (or some like me, didn't really start anything but waited). Time passed and I start to see a change, a definitive step, an irreversible shift in our perspectives. China is now eating up Japan, and Japan is like a big chunk of chocolate donut on sale right before the store closes, because nobody wants them like they used to.

Some have made their names great, winning contests after contests, and actively participate in becoming a legend. Rumor of the streets is that one has already learned to fly the sky.

Some others have gone into the shadow, in the search of the brightest star that's about to go big-bang, somewhere underneath the path all others are just running past by... They call them the "ninjas", or in the West, the "goddamn spies." One day, they will come back all sound and happy, so they say.

Some others decided to buy a royal big ass sofa and 30-inch plasma television to learn the essence of life, through the artificial yet picturesque images on the glass panel, such as "Family Guy." Obviously and very naturally, they decided to become good friends with Mr. Papa John living down the street. They just live to learn others' life, all the time of their life.

"Keep in touch."
My senior from my college left this earth to live in memories, yesterday.
His contact page is still there with details of how he cares about the people around him.

I do not know him personally, however, I know him through the web and his friends, and the understandings and feelings we might have shared as we both studied Art at RISD.

I thank my senior colleague, Justin, for letting me know the importance of the will and action--the consciousness and the heart to make the correct decisions, to find my dream become more concrete.

My professor once told me, that in life, there is a loss too great to make any sense out of. Reasons are impossible to find and all you can really do is to make a space in your heart to feel it tightly.
This is one such moment for me.

Rest in peace, Justin,
and thank you for waking me up through your words and actions.

http://justlive.posterous.com/

kung fu

Sometimes, out of nowhere, all of a sudden,

I wonder what happened to myself.

なんか、ぽかーん、って。ぽつーん、って。思うんだよね。

どこからどうやって今の『ここ』に辿り着いたんだろう、って。
最近、というかここ数年、もしかしたら今まで生きてきた中ずーっと
あんまりなにも考えずに生きちゃってたのかもしれない。

なんかこのブログも枯れてきてるし．．．
自分も枯れてる。

Train

It's always on the way home from some kind of stimulating event, be it pilates class or meeting someone extraordinary,
I'd be on the train and it's when I come up with my most intense, interesting thoughts. Brainstorms. Remembering, Thinking. Heaviness across the brows.

And I can't remember shit when I get home to write.

The other day, I sat in the cubicle on the platform, waiting for my mom while she returned home to get the wallet she forgot.
This weird, weird glass cubicle on the platform, where it's air-conditioned and you sit among other blank-faced people. It is a very surreal space.
These unexpected moments are when I think of life, and big, crucial, life-threatening ideas like that.
This very unnecessary, surreal moment that happens out of nowhere. Within that time, something can pop up in your head, and change you.
To me, that change is like
how the trees in a forest all sway in one same direction in slow motion when a huge wind blows, and it looks like clouds or a big group of wasps. Really slowly, but really big motion. And it is all fuzzy.

hum

I'm sitting in a Starbucks where they play Bob Marley music all day, in a town where everything closes by 5pm.
Downstairs, in the corner, I sit with my laptop, taking advantage of free wireless. This is the only hours I get to connect with 'the rest of the world'.
In the other corner, a European couple sit, reading books individually, then taking a break to make out. On and off, on and off.
The girl goes on his lap. On and off, on and off.
In between kisses, they whisper something to each others ears so that I can't hear them. But obviously my peripherals can see them kissing each other. If I can see you get intimate, then the more reason to wonder the great value of words that are whispered.
I don't even understand your language.
The more reason.

The girl sings along a few words to Bob Marley, while reading her book.
As if the world is at peace. On this quiet Easter Sunday.

I sit here thinking, where's my bucket of love and safety? Like some twisted child.
...No, not really. I'm just acting out a role that I probably get fit into.


I can't help but smile at the words I see on the screen. "I do like you."
I can't help but believe in the words. Four words to save me from the billion other words that I keep in my head. Four syllables to the 23.xxxxx hours a day that I spend, worrying, depressed, hopeless.

I also laugh at my friend's email.
I smile and jump up and down (in my heart, not here) to another email I find in my inbox.
Actually, where do I find all this happiness without the internet???
Where do I find the connection?
Where am I?
Yes, kuro, where is my home?
If I lived in one place, will I find happiness without the internet, and just within my everyday surroundings?
...No. It's too late. I've given a piece of my heart to too many different places.
No, maybe to just too many different people. And people disperse. So there.

dante's inferno lvl 10

pasiri 3/23/10

in an intenet-free world, there is not much communication, and I am quite a hermit.
My facial muscles and vocal chords definitely take a vacation, probably as well as my verbal abilities or whatever in my brain. I feel like it’s definitely some kind of stunting.

(I wish that my professor talked more. As long as I’m absorbing speech, it’s at least one form of communication: listening. And absorbing definitely helps loneliness.)

I’ve had a summer like this before, where I lived alone and didn't have a device to connect with the world. I went mentally insane and shit happened. Deep, deep shit, that is. Shit that still has ongoing after effects.

I try to read. I try to see something new. Maybe I spend some coins on coffee to cheer myself up a bit. I try to sleep.
I sweat a lot during my sleep. Many nightmares.
This morning I woke up with tears. A sad one, reminding me I am in need of acknowledgement.

I’ve become connected to my real part of my personality over the years, I can’t just gomakasu it anymore. I am actually a people person. Did you know that? And I can’t even live a day without talking to someone.
What does that say about my future, when I get old and alone?
That future isn’t necessary. But it still is a high possibility.
I think about mom being home alone, with the noisy dog and sleeping cat.
I get worried.

I always wondered why all the lonely people can’t come together and live together. Then, a lot of the sadness in the world would be solved all in fewer clumps.
Like, “why create two miserable people” when you can just be together?
Why do I not live at home?
What is home?
Where is home?
It’s because I’m torn apart.
My destiny lies somewhere in between. And I still can’t see it.

after the club, again.

Last time I wrote about going to a club was about 2 years ago.
Or maybe it was 3 years ago. I can't clearly grasp time now that I am out of college. Every year is a freshman for me again; graduation is uncertain.

I went to the club with Neko on Wednesday. She said she didn't feel much like dancing.
"It just looks... silly. People bouncing their knees up and down to the rhythm."
She pulls me back into the reality sometimes. Once you step back from the dancing stage and look over at the hazy crowd, it just doesn't really make sense.
"I didn't know you had that perspective too, Kuro," she seemed much surprised when I agreed. "I thought you would be annoyed because you like clubbing."

Cigarettes buds, shattered martini glasses, and alcohol sprinkled on their feet. I guess it has to be the subjectivity, the sentimental, melodramatic ego, that thrusts your body and shakes your hip. The laser light coloring the face of a girl next to me, the flashes whitening our skins on every beat seconds, and the bass that vibrates through the air, they sure do give me one hell of a sweet ego trip.

It's rather a mental masturbation, at least for the non-regular dancers.

Lost

「こういうのもたぶんそれと同じようなものじゃないかしら。うまいとか下手とか、器用だとか器用じゃないとか、そんなのはたいして重要じゃないのよ。わたしはそう思うわ。注意深くなる—それがいちばん大事なことよ。心を落ち着けて、いろんなものごとに注意深く耳を澄ませること」

Same as what drawing taught me about life.
It could then be applied to sex, not the other way around.






ぼくはまだ若かったから、その手のカラフルな事件は人生の中でしばしば起こるものなのだろうと思った。そうではないということに気づいたのは、もっとあとになってからだ。


Same as what life taught me about human depth. Though I was never a core believer of "colorful incidents".









I've been watching a lot of Heroes the past couple of months. I wondered if it was somehow slightly subconscious influence from Kuro's pastime with his now-wife.
There is a girl that can control the weather in that show. I would be that character if I was any one of them.

It was cloudy this morning as I walked to class, not enough sleep and energy to even be nervous for first day of class.
It suddenly shone bright sunshine through the studio windows when the professor made a positive feedback about my drawings, and as I was just about starting to enjoy the class.
It started to rain on the way home as I rushed back to my shelter with familiar heaviness in my gut. Like the feeling like I lost everything all over again.

So if I'm generally a depressed being, is England where I belong? Where it's always gloomy?
Or does it work the other way around-- if I lived in sunny US, I would become a happier person?

I was getting happier.

どこかに記すべきだと思ったので、やっぱりココだよね。

結婚しました。

クロの方です。

Facebookで発表するのはなにかが足りない気がするし、
かといって友達はみんな海外にいるから電話で連絡がとれない　(っていうかメンドクサイ＋気まずい)。
っていうことで、まずはここで発表する事にしました。

式はずっと先の事になるので、今のところ会った人にだけ教えてます。

ちなみに英語では「ショットガン ウェディング」が「出来ちゃった結婚」に当てはまるようです。
ガールフレンドの親父がショットガンを手に「おまえ責任取れよな」って言ってくるであろうからそう呼ぶそうです。さすがアメリカ。
ちなみに俺とは関係ないです。

結婚したけど今のところ遠距離。それにスーパー貧乏。加えて暇がない。
だから結婚式もすぐ挙げられないけど、好きって理由だけで足りるもんだと すごく実感しました。
がんばろう。

来週韓国、再来週はインドへ行ってしまうので、これからも遠距離。

半年は日本に帰ってこないでしょう。

去年ボストンから遊びにきた友達が置いていった本。
今年また遊びにきた時に「お前あの本読み終わったの？」
って聞かれて
「う、うん。戦争の話だよね。ほとんど読んだよ！」
と答えてしまった。
「エイリアンはまだ出てきてないんだ？全然読んでないじゃん！」と笑いながら言われて
「えっ！」ってビックリ恥ずかしかったけど、
今度は真剣に読み始めて、その本の中にあった、気に入った文。

The creatures were friendly, and they could see in four dimensions.
They pitied Earthlings for being able to see only three.
---
"The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past present, and future, always have existed, always will exist... It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever.
When a Tralfamadorian sees a corpse, all he thinks is that the dead person is in bad condition in that particular moment, but that the same person is just fine in plenty of other moments. Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say what the Tralfamadorians say about dead people, which is 'So it goes.' "

Kurt Vonnecut, Slaughter House - Five

こういう考え方ってワクワクするし、救われる。

Inconsistency.

There's this "inconsistency" that I've been witnessing a LOT for the past few months.
What the hell is it???
It exists in different contexts. It can be in the personality of someone. Or it can be in the logic of some kind of rule. When I try to remember the different times I felt "It's 'inconsistency' AGAIN," it's hard to remember, because it's in so many different contexts, and it happens in this slightness, in a real split second between some spoken words.

I think I feel it when something is said, but its complete opposite still exists righteously.
What is this 'inconsistency'??????
I just wish people kept to their words, and their perspective, if they are going to be so damn stubborn and snobbish about it.

doraemon

クロの教え子の [のび太くんエピソード] のように、
ハタチ過ぎた大人に「これはこうなってこうなるから、こうなんだよ」って言ったって
残念ながら、実際自分たちが体験するまで分からない事ばかりなんだと思う。

そんな中、仕事や結婚や住む国、色んな人生の決断を一つずつして行っている友人達をすごいと思う。もう、決断の規模が違うんだ。
あんな子と遊びたい。寝てみたい。
ちょっと旅してみたい。留学してみたい。
あの国に住んでみたい。
そんなちょっくら的な決断じゃないんだ。


恋愛とかそういうのは、自分だけの運命じゃなくて、相手の運命も交差している。
自分もそういう大きな決断をしなければいけない立場にいるけれど、そういう決断をしなきゃいけない人と付き合っているのも事実だ。そしてその人の良い将来の為に、多分自分が犠牲になることも。
何故自分は何度も何度も、犠牲者ぶらなきゃいけないんだろう。
何故、その人の良い将来に、自分が当てはまらないのだろう。


昔は自分の運命の為に、人が集まってくれていたと思っていた。自分をピンチから救ってくれる人達との出会いが不思議と沢山あったからだ。神様とか死んだおじいちゃんおばあちゃんが、天使を送ってくれてる。そう思ってた。今でも思ってる。
でもいつの間にか、私が人の運命に飲み込まれる立場に逆転していた。
例えばあの冬、特に理由もなく学校の寮で冬休みを過ごしたのは、私がなんとなく当時付き合っていた人と一緒に過ごす、なんとなくな流れになったからだと思っていた。
でも結果、私と彼の事じゃなくて、本当はクロとクロのツンデレワイフちゃんの運命が本当のテーマだったのだ。私は他の誰かの運命の駒だったのだ。
もしかしたら今までもそういう事が沢山あったのに、RPGみたいに自分が世界の中心だと思い込んでいた。なんて幸せ者だったんだろう。
でも、その思い込みは本当に幸せだったし、家族と人と人生への感謝の気持ちを学んだ、大切な人生のひと枠だった。今でも人生だか神様だか、自分の為に起こる奇跡はあると思うし、そういう事があると一つのレッスンが見えて、かけがえの無い事を学べる。
それに、人の駒である事も、幸せだと思う。
なんかCrashみたいだね。


色んな人の運命が交差する中、傷ついたり、傷つけたり、辛い事がある。
でもきっといつか、その全ての意味が分かる、すばらしい結末が待っている事をまだバカな若造らしく、信じている。
だから、不満がある今を生きていられる気がする。

It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jxtiRjNc1o

"I think I'm one of those guys..."



I know it's not gonna work out.
......I know it's not gonna work out.

from Facebook profile's favorite quotes.

"You are thinking too much, Nari." - mo.
"Is it bad? Should I think with my muscle?" - me.
"No, you should think with your eyelashes." - mo.

"The key to happiness is to not compare yourself
with other people."

I said, with a bottle of tabasco in my hand, over my pasta one summer, "I need some spice in my life." - with mo.

たまごサンド

ミックスサンドを食べる時、必ずそのうち一つはたまごサンドである。
私はたまごサンドが苦手なので、よく残してしまう。

海外で暮らしている間、ある時、いつも日本から色々送ってくれる母から『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』が送られて来た。
『機』とは言っても、極めてシンプルなものだ。プラスチックの容器に、編み目の大きいザルの様なものが付いていて、ゆでたまごを裏越しすれば簡単かつ綺麗にたまごサンド用たまごサラダができるというコンセプトだ。
数行前に述べた通り、私はたまごサンドが苦手なので、「あれ使ってみた？」と母からルンルンにきかれても、「あー、まだ使ってない」と答える年月が過ぎて行った。
『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』は袋に綺麗に入ったまま、キッチンの高い戸棚の上にすごく長い間、ネグレクトされていた。

そのブツを昨日、初めて開けて、使う事になった。

今年、自分にたまごサンド好きの彼氏ができるなんて、誰も思わなかっただろう。
彼と出会わなければ、あの『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』の説明すら読まなかっただろう。
（実際、たまごサンドを彼の為に作る事になったからこそ、数行前の機の説明ができたのである。でなければ興味がないので知らずにいただろう。）
まるでこの『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』は彼を待ち続けていた様に思えた。本当にそう思う。
たまごサンドなんて、たまごサンドが本当に好きな人しか、こだわりを持って『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』を使って、わざわざ作らない。
まるで、母が東京のどこかでこの『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』を目にした時から、この『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』は、私がこの彼の為にたまごサンドのお弁当を作る、この日、この目的の為に待ち続けて、生きてきたのだ。
はるばる東京からアメリカの東海岸まで旅をするなんて思わなかっただろうし、
こんな長い年月、開けてももらえないなんて思わなかっただろう。
（まず第一に、私は母が私がたまごサンドが苦手という事実をたまたま知らないということが、一番不思議だった。）


人生の中には、こういう偶然やら必然が沢山あると思う。
そういうのを目にする時、神様とか宇宙の力とかってやっぱりあるのかもしれないと思う。
それに、自分の中に秘めている野望とか才能とかって、信じて地道に待ち続けていれば、きっといつか光のあるところに出れるって思える。
この『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』みたいに、きっと自分の定めや、埋めるべきもの—
出番がやってくる。そう信じたい。


結果、彼はおいしい、うまいと言いながら喜んでたまごサンドを食べてくれた。
今まで料理したもののトップスリーに入るとまで言った。
『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』は華々しくデビューと役目を果たしたようだった。
私はそんな彼を見ながら、『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』の辿った道の事を考えて、全てが不思議だった。そして自分の人生や定めがどう進んで行くのか少し考えた。
あの『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』ですら、居場所と理由を見つけられた。私は見つけられるのだろうか。
いや、『たまごサンド用たまごサラダ機』がきっと、自分にも居場所が見つかるという、励ましと証明だ。

the past as past. the pasta's past.

ユーチュープで日本の空っぽなバラエティを見たり、同じ四曲のプレイリストを繰り返し聴きながら編み物をしている。また眠らずに朝が来た。冬の朝は７時を過ぎてもまだ真っ暗だ。
時々集中力が途切れる。そんな時、鏡に映る自分の真っ青な顔を目にする。
画面に映る韓国のアイドルグループのピチピチした女の子たちとの対比。

編み物に取り掛かる前は、荷物の整理をしていて、
偶然、随分前に書いて出せなかった手紙が出てきた。特に感情や考えがまだ芽生えないうちに、その分厚い封筒を開けて読んでみた。
「こんなの私書いたっけ．．．」
書いた事は覚えている。あの頃考えて感じていた事も覚えている。
でも日付を見ても、なんだかパッとしない。でも確かに自分が書いたものだ。
愛だのなんだのって、こんなに素直で、心の底から書いた内容なのに、
今では何だかぼんやりしている。

気持ちってそんなものなのだろうか、なんて不安になると同時に、
全てを昔に葬れた自分に何か言って、自信を持たせてやりたい。

All the entries that were left unfinished.

12月になった。今月で、25歳。
あっという間に過ぎ去った気がする。
これまでの努力は、数字で示すと、どれ位だったのかな、って最近よく思う。
例えば、俺がこれまでに出してきた汗を全部合わせると、ポカリスエット1年分位にはなるのだろうか。

25歳になってもまだ、親と同居してて、夢の舞台からは程遠い場所で仕事をして、
ほとんど人と会わずに、根暗でいる。そんな俺。
未来の俺に叱られそうで、申し訳なさそうに、のろのろと、ゆっくりと歩いてる。
時計の針、1秒1ミリが、傷に塩水を塗るような行為で、時間が過ぎ去ってゆくのは全て、
俺のせいなんじゃないか。
25年なんてあってないような気がする。

家庭教師の生徒が、すごく出来が悪くて、数学で55点をゲットしてきた。
よくもまあ・・・、のびた君じゃないんだから。
彼に、「未来のこと」を悟らせようと説教してみたんだけど、
そもそも説教して「悟らせる」なんて無理な話だし、中学1年生で、そんな先見のある仙人に仕立て上げるのは不自然な気もする。
「未来が駄目になるんだよ」なんて脅し文句のようでもあるけど、やっぱり現実問題として言うべきなのか。

いつからか、未来は夢みるものではなく、予知するものになった。

そして、多分。この今の時間を、未来の俺は見ていて、
「ああ。あったな。あったあった。」 なんてふわりふわりと観ているんだと思う。
時間なんて、あってないようなものだから、
ひゅんひゅんひゅんっ　って実は飛び回ってて、
眼を閉じて、開いてみれば、
若い自分だったり、
死に際だったり。

あっという間なんだという事。

そして、あっという間すぎて、もう全てが終わってしまった後だという事。

When I close my eyes and open them again,
I would probably be lying on a deathbed.

Everyone in the past has experienced in their lives,
this experiment of their own lives.
And everyone must have confirmed this observation.

その間に何ができるか。

Maybe it will all be one fucking absolute nothingness,

and that is also one uncontestable purity right there.

Why do we desperately wish it be an ugly mess?

『眠れない夜はブログを』

くだらないコメントやトラックバックを消しながら、初期のブログを読んだりした。
なんだかあの頃は新鮮だった。刺激のある毎日だった。気がする。

風が吹いたら、あの頃のあの季節のあの場所を思い出したり、そういうのがいいと思う。
と、ある時クロは言ったと思う。そんな類いの、素敵な事を。

なんか繋がってないけど、昔の自分たちの言葉を読みながら、
あの頃のぴりぴりした自分たちのオーラを感じ取りながら、
その言葉を思い出した。

あの寮のあの部屋のあの窓をいつも少しだけ開けて、そこから入ってくるあの風の匂い。
ドアを開けておけば、風は、静かな廊下を通って行く。
その空気の中でかすかに匂う、洋服の匂いと、画材の匂い。
昼間、みんな授業に出ていて、ほとんど人がいない。とても静かで、気持ちのよい風が入ってくると、眠くなる。
あの椅子で「ちょっとだけ寝るね」と言って、昼寝をする。

そんな気持ちを思い出していた。
鼻から息を吸って、想像すれば、肌で感じられる。
思い出はすぐここにあるのに、すごく遠い昔だ。

in the white room モンブランみたいな男の子

獏 :
son
u don eat
u have to eat
-.-

亀 : man, i eat less and less, i hate it
but then i also wish i didnt have to eat at all, so that when there's the apocalypse i wont feel that much pain from hunger
獏 : u have to eat like me. i just got skinnier from not sleeping until 5 am yesterday
亀 : you have high metabolism
獏 : my heart beats very fast. not good. imma die soon
亀 : oh ya
獏 : i wanna die -.-
亀 : then good for you
獏 : not suicide those kind -.- just die naturally =.= mayb next life ill b a printer. samsung
亀 : yeah, expire.
獏 : o.0
亀 : why are you like that tho
獏 : i want to be born into another world
=
=)
i want to be born into the 11th dimension o.o

亀 : i was told that one will always be lonely if they dont get enough acknowledgement and reassurance, even tho the person has friends and family
獏 : i only have friends now =o
亀 : yeah it sucks not to get nuff luv
but you know what made me not want to die
when i was told that even when we die in this life, there's another one, and another one, and another one, and it's a loooooooong long time until we get evaluated finally
and the next one might be even worse than what we are in now
so its just like... waiting
its so scary to think that the next thing will be worse
獏 : evaluated ? by who and wut o.0
亀 : well until you're like just a soul and you dont live in a body anymore
獏 : so scary =.=
imagine if we have soul
wut about the animals that die everyday
and insects lol

亀 : i dont know. sometimes i think maybe they are happier

獏 : a world with full Dead mosquitos, from 100000000000000000000 Years ago til now lol
i think there are different rooms for different species o.o
like a hotel llol

亀 : what are the rooms, like each room is a world?

獏 : yea, with different species
1 room is pig
1 room is cow
1 room is mosquito
u know
lol

亀 : ohh

獏 : inside each room
everything is white
white wall, white floor
white
nothing
just white
and with pigs
-.-

亀 : wow you should do a movie about it
獏 : i got that from matrix o.o lol
亀 : but they dont have animals in it, does it
獏 : no -.-'
u should mention in ur book
someone from the end of november told me that when u die, u will enter a white room with lallalalalla
yah

亀 : ok, i'll put it up

Our naïveté is dying.

"Do you think you've changed since Freshmen year?"
"Well, you tell me. Do you think I've changed?"
"I think you changed. I just remember you were very hopeful."

Our naïveté is dying.


I just feel the need to protect myself, that all I hear is negativity in my head.
There were unbelievable real-life scenarios that were witnessed the past years.
Things that are completely, completely out of your mind, unimaginable, unpredictable, random, 1%-chance, have happened, and caused pain and trouble. A lot of pain for a lot of people.
So the mind knows of the power of possibility.

The possibility of some fucked up thing happening.
The possibility of someone that you wanted to trust choosing to do some fucked up thing.
The possibility that some fucked up thing had been happening all along, and you just didn't know it- or you just didn't want to believe it, until you saw clear evidence.
And this possibility creates paranoia, instead of hope.

So depression is just always there. Flip the pancake, and you've got that dark world.
Just a flip.

So what?

You're just going to replace me.
I'm only your rough draft.

You never promise me
how much time
we have together.
"Forever" is what I want.
Even "a long, long time" will do.

But

I'm only your rough draft.
And I see you making notes
of what to look for, next.
Next. Next.

You'll just replace me
with a better version: what you really want.
I can list all the things she'll have, I'll get them all right.

You'll get bored of me, maybe even hate me,
You'll just stop caring about me,
Stop thinking about me,
Stop remembering me,
Or the happy things we had,
Or the feelings you felt,
Just like that.
Because all you'll see is that girl.
That girl that's different from me.
Only different. And maybe prettier.
But not better.
I have all these things you don't appreciate, explore, look at, or even see.
And they get thrown out
like frozen meals that expired
not even once touched since the day it came from the supermarket to the freezer.
And it melts,
melts in the trash can.
Among with other garbage, like myself.

I'm not garbage.
I just feel like it.


Substitutes and Replacements.
All the fucking time.